The month of June has come and gone (almost) already.  Crazy how quickly summer months seem to fly in comparison to the dreary winter days!  Our month so far has been so full!  Bryson went to Indiana the day he got out of school and spent the week with my parents, attending Sady Springs Youth Camp.  Our plan was to drive over Thursday morning and spend the weekend, but plans changed.  

My brother-in-law, Brandon James, had a 22-year-old brother who was killed in a car accident on that Wednesday night.  We ended up going to Aabama for a week instead of Indiana.  It was such a tragedy, and I don't think I've witnessed anyone grieve so deeply as the James family was and has been.  An event like that brings everything in perspective in a powerful way.  Things that seem so important suddenly lose their significance.  I have felt a deeper need to pray and ready myself for eternity and also to make sure I'm preparing my children.  Life is truly so short, and tomorrow is not a guarantee.

One bright moment that I don't believe I'll ever forget occurred the day of the funeral.  The grave side service was over, and folks had walked next door to the fellowship hall where a meal was prepared.  Brandon and Bryan's mom, Brenda, went into the church and sat down in a recliner.  She was crying, mumbling, and her eyes were closed.  Her sisters were gathered around her.  I had gone into the church with my kids instead of the fellowship hall because of the heat and the crowds.  I felt a little bit like an intruder when Brenda came in, although the family assured me we were fine.  Before I could gather my things to leave, Phillip picked up Avery and took him over to Brenda.  He spoke to her and she opened her eyes.  When she saw Avery, her eyes lit up a little.  She has always loved kids, but she has prayed a lot of prayers for Avery over the last few years.  As Avery watched her talk to him, he started to giggle in the way that only he can do.  The light in her eyes grew, and she started to smile and clap her hands and sing a little song.  Avery laughed even harder.  Brenda said, "I never thought I'd laugh again, and here I am doing it.  My heart hasn't felt like this in days."  They continued to play together for several minutes until Phillip took Avery away. At that point, Brenda seemed to have gained some strength. 

As I sat and watched their interaction, I thought about how inappropriate it would be for just about anyone else to be giggling and clapping in such a situation.  But Avery doesn't know sadness or grief.  He does know joy though. I couldn't help but tear up as I watched Avery bring joy to someone who was hurting in the worst way.  She kept saying, "You're such a miracle!" and "I've prayed so many prayers for you!"  His joy spread to her, and she received strength in the process.  At that moment, I was so thankful for my little Avery and the things he CAN''T do, and the one thing he CAN do so well: bring joy. 

We're home and gearing up for more travels. I'll update as time allows!

Good News/Bad News

Like many days, weeks, and months, this week has had it's ups and downs.  A couple weeks ago, Avery went in for a BMT follow up, which included immune studies.  Our doctor said Avery was looking great, gave us the green light to begin re-vaccination, approved outpatient therapy instead of home based, and basically told us we could re-enter the world with caution.  We attended church this past Sunday and family Memorial Day picnic on Monday.  Tuesday, the Care Manager from Cincy called and confirmed that Avery's immune studies looked great.  There were a few things not as good as they would like, but mostly it was good news.

Fast forward 24 hours and Avery decided to prove to us that he will do things his own way by spiking a fever.  When it hit 103, I called the doctor who sent us to the ER.  He was admitted to hem/onc.  Yesterday, his fever was up and down, and then during the evening, he had a couple seizures.  He was still febrile through the night, so we're staying at least one more night. He seems to be feeling MUCH better today. 

Kind of ironic that just when we start feeling confident in his ability to handle germs a little bit, he gets sick.  Such is life with Avery; things rarely make sense or work out like they should.  So maybe we'll just slow down and give him a little more time. 

More good news though is that today I signed the last of the paperwork for Avery's Medicaid waiver. Now everything goes to the state, and we just have to wait for them to approve.  This will allow him to carry his own Medicaid/disability secondary insurance as well as allow for in home nursing care.  What an exhausting process, but the end is finally in sight! Also, we had his IEP meeting this week and got all the paperwork ready for him to begin Kindergarten on the fall!

Love my boy and glad he's feeling good right now.

Bethany

Cleaning out Corners

Lately, we've done some rearranging here in the Hoskins house.  Our home is a formerly bank owned property that we bought cheaply, completely gutted, and then added our own touches and finishes.  Used to, when you walked in my front door, I had a large great room that was the size of two rooms, but we used it as our living area.  In the back of our house, there was a room we used as our formal dining area.  I grew tired of walking into my house and the first thing I'd see was our mess...scattered toys, Avery's walker, etc.  So, with some muscle from my husband, we changed our great room into a front living area and a dining room in the back half.  The old dining room we turned into a family room where I could move the toy basket, Avery's new positioning chair, our monitor and computer, our love seat and an old comfy recliner.  

I like to think of myself as a good housekeeper. If you ask my husband, he would say I'm close to obsessed with housework because I'm always doing it.  I disagree about the obsession, but I don't like to let it pile up and then attack; I prefer to keep things as tidy as I can as we go.  With 3 kids, that's a challenge!  But as we began moving our furniture, I told Phillip that what we uncovered made me feel a little bad about all that cleaning I do.  There were dust balls all along the walls, a cobweb or two, and random items that I had forgotten about that had been misplaced or hidden.  

I don't want to make too much of it, but I couldn't help but think of the spiritual application here. I can't speak for you, so I'll just speak for myself.  I like to think of myself as a clean living person, keeping myself pure in a sinful, dirty world.  But with a little closer inspection, I'm pretty sure there's some corners in my heart that I've neglected, some sins of omission I'm guilty of, and some clutter that needs disposed of properly.  Just like my house, it's often what others see that I focus on.  If the exterior is clean, most assume the rest is okay too.  While I believe the exterior is meant to be clean as well, I don't want to become one of those "whited sepulchers" that the Bible speaks about.

              ²⁷ Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres,        which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.  Matthew 23:27

Every once in a while, I have to examine my heart closely and do some rearranging in there.  After all, that's where I really can't afford to let the dust creep in.

Family Portraits

I feel like these photos should come with some kind of disclaimer stating how they don't accurately reflect my stress level.  Actually, the photo shoot itself wasn't too bad...Sure, Em wanted to run off rather than stand where she was supposed to, Avery would rather clap and suck his fingers, and Bryson started with all kinds of strange smiles and poses and then quickly moved to the, "Can we be done already?" phase.  The planning of our clothing and then getting everyone dressed appropriately and hoping the weather and my little's attitudes were cooperative is what stressed this Mama out.  In the end, I think the camera captured well my little family, quirks and all.  I can't say we're the most photogenic crew, but we managed to accomplish the task of having a family picture taken. 

How blessed am I??!!!

This n' That

Once again, blogging has taken a back seat to my other activities. But I did want to take a second to update about goings-on in the Hoskins' home.

I think most stay-at-home moms probably feel at times like they live in a bubble with little contact with the outside world. I would say that my life has become even more isolated than most for a couple reasons. One, we're still very careful with taking Avery out and about. His immune system is still weaker than normal, and when he gets sick, it's a challenge to deal with. Secondly, taking 3 kids anywhere is frankly very difficult, especially when it involves loading and unloading a wheel chair and then counting on your 20 month old to hold your hand and your six-year-old to follow directions. Thirdly, I'll be honest, I'm not a really social person. So my motivation to drag three kiddos on an outing is pretty low.

So my world really is my kids. These three munchkins are my "friends" in a weird way. They make me laugh and give me a reason to get up in the mornings. But they also wear me out and occasionally raise my blood pressure. :-)

Bryson has been reading so well! Of course, he sometimes uses the wrong word or stumbles over bigger words, but I'm still very proud of him. He has been learning new Bible stories and "preaching" them. Bryson probably worries me the most right now because he's growing up so quickly, and there's so many things I feel like I should be instilling in him.  It's such a mixture of pride and worry that I often feel.  The stakes are just too high on this parenting stuff, and there are no do-overs!  Like all first children, I suppose, he's our little guinea pig we have to learn on. He only has a couple weeks left as a kindergartner and then off to first grade he'll go!  Eeek!

Mr. Avery is pretty much just maintaining with small gains here and there.  Health wise, he has also been stable, and we're soon transitioning to outpatient therapy rather than home-based.  As we venture out into the world, I'm feeling happy but also a little protective.  Little germs are some of our worst enemies!  He still has his bad days, grumpy/fussy days, and low-energy days where he just wants to stay in bed all day (can't say I blame him!), but those days are thankfully not as frequent as they used to be.  In fact, we're making plans to send him to Kindergartnen in the fall.  Yes, I can hardly believe it myself.   It will be a modified schedule in a special education classroom, but it will be the official start to his educational career.  

And then we have my little princess.  Oh, what a rotten little girl she is!  She has become a serious daddy's girl, and starts saying his name pretty much as soon as she wakes up. Every time I get a phone call or text or she hears a noisy car drive by, she says, "Daddy!"  She keeps us laughing with all the faces and silly games she plays.  Since it is very likely she will be our last child, we're spoiling her a little (okay, a lot), and thoroughly enjoying her!

The days are so busy and time passes so quickly, just like so many people warned me it would.  I spend my time trying to keep up and be the best mommy I possibly can.  It's not glamorous, but it's the absolute BEST life ever.  

Turning 5

This week my little man turned five years old. What a milestone! My baby isn't so little anymore! He started off just at 2 lbs 8 oz, 14 inches long. I remember Phillip saying, "I've had sandwiches bigger than him!" But inside of that tiny bundle was the heart of a fighter!

I think our children always teach us lessons about life and love, and sometimes things like, "never judge someone else's kid 'cause someday, mine might do the same thing!" :-). But Avery has taught me a few things I never thought I needed to know...some hard lessons about trust, disappointments, giving up control, to name just a few. But mostly he's taught me about love and strength. I could say much more, but I'll leave it at that for now. Avery has stolen my heart, and I'm hoping that this year is his best yet!

Here's a few pictures of his earlier days.

Birthdays

Avery's birthday and my own are both in April. There was a time many years ago that I looked forward to my birthday, but those days are long gone. Now, I'd much rather ignore April 8th, and focus on the 14th.

Like it or not, I'm a year older as of this past Monday. I've heard people say, you're only as old as you feel." If that's true, then I'm WAY older than 32! The last few years haven't been kind to me. I have new lines on my face and bags under my eyes as proof of the sleepless nights and stressful days. Somehow, I went from 27 to 32 in the blink of an eye. I'm not sure where all the time went, but I'm doing my best to make peace with the inevitable: I'm aging quickly and there's nothing I can do to slow time down!

In an effort to focus on the positive, I've been reflecting on how blessed I am. That's not just a cliche; it's a fact. The best way I can describe it is to say that my heart is full. I have a husband who loves me and our children and works incredibly hard to provide for us. In those moments when I take a breath from chasing kids, changing diapers,and cleaning messes, I sometimes look into the eyes of the man who is my partner in life and realize how confident that makes me feel. No, "alone time" isn't really in our vocabulary right now, but we're muddling through side by side, usually with smiles and laughter, although occasionally with tears. Our three children are my greatest source of joy, contentment....and admittedly, occasionally, frustration. But sometimes I catch myself looking in the rearview mirror of my minivan and looking into the innocent faces of Bryson, Avery, and Emerson, and I'm struck with a sense of awe that they're mine. Each one is so different, but their smiles, questions, and sticky kisses are what makes my life so meaningful right now. I've gladly traded in my days of full-time teaching to share these special times with my little ones.

So, am I glad to be a year older? Nope. But would I trade my blessings for the good ole' days? Not a chance!

This is perhaps one of the most boring posts ever. Sorry about that. There's just nothing too exciting about getting older anymore. :-). Bethany