Happy Birthday, Avery!

I know we say this about all of our children's birthdays, but it really is so hard to believe my little Avery is four years old today. Four years ago this morning, I went into my appointment at the specialist's office, lunch packed, prepared to go to work afterward. Instead, I was told that there was basically no fluid left around my baby, that he wasn't responding well on the non-stress tests, that he hadn't gained an ounce in a month, and he needed to come out immediately. I called my husband, who was scrubbed in for his nursing school requirement of observing a c-section, and he left that OR to take me to my own c-section.

When they held up my tiny baby, all I could see were eyes and knees. His eyes were wide open staring at me, and his knees looked like they were just too big for his body. I remember crying and saying, "Oh no!" when I laid eyes on him, because he just didn't look like any baby I had ever seen.

Four years later, that 2 lb 8 oz, 14 inch long baby has grown into a little boy who is now nearly 40 lbs and around 37 inches long. Each day, month, and year with Avery seems to have brought a new challenge. I guess God knew that Phillip and I couldn't handle all the bad news at once, so we've gotten it slowly. Each time I thought, "This is it. Things couldn't get any worse!", wouldn't you know, things did get worse.

But when I look at Avery, I don't just see disabilities and a scary diagnosis; I see the epitome of love. I've been blessed with many amazing people in my life, but in most situations, love comes with strings attached or at least expectations. Not so with Avery. He doesn't expect anything, and when any gesture, regardless of how small, is offered, his eyes fill with wonder and joy. If he is feeling well, he'll break into a clap. It doesn't matter that I sing the same songs to him over and over ("The Wheels on the Bus", "Call Me Gone" by the Hinsons, or "You Are my Sunshine" are his favorites!), or it's just looking out the window or playing a silly game, he grins every time, and if he doesn't, I know it's because he physically just can't. I've come to realize that I depend on that smile and that clapping probably more than I should. When he is smiling and clapping, I know we're going to be okay. When he has one of his bad days where he doesn't seem to have the strength to do it, I feel anxious and worried. Seriously, Avery would sit all day in a dirty diaper with no toys or anyone to play with and probably not complain. But when he sees his daddy or me walk by, he'll smile and start clapping or reach out to us to be picked up. For that reason, I had to let him sleep in our room until he was 13 months old, because when he woke at night, he didn't cry. I only knew by hearing him rub his little feet together, which the baby monitor wouldn't pick up. If he can just cuddle up on our laps and be held, he is absolutely content. Despite the painful experiences he has had, he still enjoys the attention he gets from nurses and doctors. He is just pleasantly surprised that they have come to see him.

When I think about I Corinthians 13, I know that I fall so short of many of those descriptions of love...suffereth long, patient, kind, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, not puffed up. But Avery's child-like, completely innocent love is perfect in ways that his body and mind are not. He doesn't ask for anything in return, he just loves.

I have to say that sometimes it is difficult to look for the good in a situation. But I have been blessed to have Avery in my life. With my other children, I feel the need to influence and teach, constantly molding and instilling values and morals. With Avery, yes, we spend a lot of time taking care of his physical needs and encouraging him to learn new skills, but he is the one who is teaching me so much.

























I pray that Avery's fourth year of life brings him the health and peace that he so deserves. No, he doesn't expect it; he has acclimated to discomfort. But I would love to see my little boy have the chance to just live without pain and hospital stays.

Though you may never read this, little one, I love you and wish you many more happy birthdays!!