Heaven is Sounding Sweeter!

It's early morning, and everyone is sleeping except me. I've been up doing laundry and other housework. I thought I'd take a few minutes and blog.

After more than a week off of work to spend with his mom, Phillip went back to work this weekend. Our days have taken on a crazy routine that involves him sleeping a few hours in the morning, and then us going to Hospice and spending much of the day. Carolyn has gotten weaker with each day, and yesterday was markedly different than others. It was the first day she hasn't eaten anything and hardly spoke. She also just seemed so uncomfortable and her breathing was labored. I think seeing her that way yesterday made this whole situation so much more real for all of us. A friend told me that although it's hard to watch loved ones suffer, we might not be willing to let them go otherwise. That's becoming more and more true each day. None of us are ready for Carolyn to pass, but seeing her suffer is too much.

I've watched Phillip, Jenny, and their dad go from the shock of hearing that Carolyn had such a short time, to spending all of their energy enjoying and taking care of her in her last days. I'm so proud of them, and I know Carolyn would be too. So many people at Hospice are lying in their beds alone, and that's one thing Carolyn has not had to do. But there are fewer things for them to do for her now but wait.

Many people have said it: Carolyn has fought this cancer harder than anyone I know. To outsiders that aren't around regularly, that may not mean much. But knowing the days, weeks, even months throughout the last 2 and a half years she has laid in her bed at home with severe pain and nausea that no medicine could touch, seeing the way she always attempted to smile, make a funny comment, and perk up for her family (especially the grandkids), and especially remembering how she kept a positive attitude and faith in God really says something about her will to live.

I've been part of the family for 8 and 1/2 years, and have always had a good relationship with my in-laws (at least I think so!). We started out living right next door, and then right around the corner. I came to appreciate Carolyn much more the day I gave birth to Bryson Douglas, and all of a sudden, I could see all the time and energy she put into raising her little boy, who is now my amazing husband. The funny stories she had told me about Phillip Douglas became more real. She told me that Phillip used to tell her that he was never going to leave her; that when he grew up, he was going to drive a truck and take her along. Now Bryson says the same kind of things. He's never going to leave me; he's going to marry me; he's going to take me with him forever! She used to tell Phillip that she was going to put a rock on his head so he'd slow down growing, and if I thought that would work, I'd try that with my boys! I've told Phillip quite a few times since she's been sick that he's still her baby boy, and if I were sick, there's nothing I'd want more than my son visiting me. I'll never forget the conversations we had as a new wife living next door waiting for "our men" to get home from work, how she took me thrift store shopping in those early days, has always saved me her coupons, and gave Bryson M&M's even when I didn't think he needed them. She shared her son and her heart with me, and I hope that she felt that I did the same for her. Those happy memories will always be precious to me.

I'm just taking it a day at a time, trying to rely on the Lord for strength, and I'm praying God will give Phillip, Jenny, and Phillip Douglas special peace. One thing is for sure, Heaven is sounding sweeter all of the time! It won't be long and Carolyn will be there, rejoicing forever where the word "cancer" doesn't even exist. I want to spend my life being faithful to my Savior and raising my children to love Him too. Eternity is what matters, not this brief life we live. I want to be ready!