Bryson has grown more and more independent...which of course, is a good thing considering he is away from his mom and dad a lot of the time, but it can also be a problem when I say "No" and he has ideas of his own. Emerson seems like a new baby every time I get to go back home with her. Her sleeping habits and schedule are different depending on who has been watching her and how she's dealing with whatever new phase she's in (and you know with babies, it's always something new). What worked to calm her down the week before may or may not do the trick a week later when I see her again. I always feel like I'm struggling to catch up with her and keep Bryson on the straight and narrow. Don't even get me started on Avery; he is in a league of his own!
And I think one of the biggest battles I fight as a mom is guilt. I'm not sure if that is normal or if I just set really unreasonable expectations for myself and then react poorly when I can't achieve them, but I often feel like I've just not done enough or handled the situation well enough. I think if only I knew the trick to disciplining a 5-year old. Am I too firm? Too relaxed? Not consistent enough? Am I damaging him somehow that will affect him forever? What about my little girl who I just feel heartbroken to have to leave her and miss so much? My sister and mom sent me a text of her licking a potato chip and then eating mashed potatoes, and I started bawling. She just seemed so big, and I wasn't there giving her those first bites.
Yes, I realize that I might sound like a raving lunatic. I promise, I try so hard "not to sweat the small stuff" as some parents advise, but that's difficult for me!
The other day as I was getting on an elevator at the hospital, I witnessed something that made me laugh and wince at the same time. There was a father with his hands full of bags of food and two little boys, one who was much too big to be riding in an umbrella stroller (considering he clearly could walk) and the other who was trying to push his brother in the stroller. The one in the stroller wasn't buckled in and wasn't cooperating. He was whining and begging for something as he stretched forward in the stroller. His brother kept pushing as his brother fell out of the stroller onto the floor, taking the stroller and his brother down on top of him. Then the yelling and screaming really started. There was a line of people waiting to get on this elevator, and a few like me, chose to wait for the next one rather than attempt to ride a few floors with them. I actually winced as the crash occurred and then watched in amazement as the dad really didn't even seem to notice. He just stepped over them, got on the elevator, and waited for his wild boys to join him.
My first reaction was to think, "Come on, Dad; get your boys under control." And then my next thought was, "Don't judge, Sister. Yours aren't so great either." I saw some of the folks standing around show expressions that clearly were condescending toward this rowdy bunch, and I couldn't help but wonder if they were from the group I mentioned earlier...the ones who have it all together. Perhaps their children are calm, well-behaved, and good-listeners. But as for me, I have learned to never say never. All those times before I gave birth when I saw children do things and vowed mine never would...I'm recanting now! Instead of being frustrated at the screaming child in the restaurant or grocery store, I usually just feel sympathy. I have been blessed with the fact that Bryson has never been a fit thrower. I'm not sure why, but he has never put himself in the floor or screamed or kicked, but even when I see that occur, I don't judge.
Now if you know me well, you might think it's strange that if I were able, I'd love to have more children. I'd like a house full! No, I'm not a massacist or a glutton for punishment. I read the other day a comparison to parenting that really struck home with me. It compared parenting to mountain climbing, and the absolutely grueling, life-threatening, and dangerous experiences that a climber places him/herself in as he/she trains for the climb and then actually climbs. Along the way there may be great perils, but there are also some amazing views. Finally, at the top of the mountain the climber has reached a point that allows him or her to feel such exhiliaration and sense of accomplishment, and it isn't long until the climber is planning and training for the next harrowing climb. The crazy days of being a parent are similarly offset by the joys that come along with it.
But until I figure out the secret or find a magic wand, I guess I'll just keep on climbing, enjoy the joyful moments, and endure the not-so-joyful ones. :-)
~Bethany
I don't know how to discipline a 5 year old either... and I have had one and am getting ready to be on my second. Boys are especially strange. I think so anyway, I never would ever think about doing some of the things that they do... shew. I don't think that being away from your children is something small, I have a hard time being away from mine for 24 hours when they stay the night with Mamaw, I can't imagine being away from my little ones for days/weeks on end. You are doing a good thing though, you are doing your best to give Avery a good quality of life, teaching Bryson how to behave properly and missing little Emerson. You are doing the best with the hand that life has dealt you, let God do the rest.
ReplyDelete