And Life Goes On

The last week has pretty much been a blur. Carolyn passed away Friday night, and we had her viewing Monday and funeral Tuesday. It has all been so surreal. I think Phillip and I have been operating in auto-pilot mode, just going through the motions and trying to do what needs to be done. I was watching some home videos last night from when Bryson was a baby, and once again it hit me how big of a void we're going to have in our lives without her smile, laugh, and how she showed her love to her family in big and small ways. I know Carolyn is in a much better place, but it's going to take time and prayer to try to adjust to life on earth without her. Strangely, Phillip and I left her funeral feeling encouraged. Bro. Bennie did such an amazing job of preaching that I could almost see her walking on streets of gold. I know that the days ahead are going to be more lonesome without her, but I'm so thankful that we have the promise that we will see her again someday.

Here are a couple of pics from Hospice when she was feeling pretty good.




I've told Phillip before that it seems strange when we're experiencing such pain to see that life is still going on. I've walked out of the hospital after a tough day with Avery and to see the sun shining and people driving by as if nothing is happening when my own heart is so heavy somehow seems wrong. That's kind of how it seems now. But, I've been trying to get back into the routines and make things as normal for the kids as possible. Both boys went back to preschool Wednesday, and Phillip and I started tackling some of those tasks that have been ignored for awhile. We're having some beautiful fall weather, and I'm trying to enjoy it and let Bryson play out all he wants.

Some really great news that I haven't shared yet is that my parents have moved MUCH closer. They are now pastors of Tunnel Hill church in Indiana, which is only a 3 hour drive; in comparison to the 13 hour trip to Citronelle, Alabama, it seems like we're practically neighbors! Mom and Dad were able to come over and help out with the kids during Carolyn's last days, and we're planning a trip over there in a week and a half. They have been in AL since I was 18; I'm excited about having them so much closer.

Although it seems strange we're getting back to "normal," God's grace is sufficient and His strength is perfect. When we are weak, He is strong. My prayer is that God will grant us strength and bring something good out of this difficult time.

Heaven is Sounding Sweeter!

It's early morning, and everyone is sleeping except me. I've been up doing laundry and other housework. I thought I'd take a few minutes and blog.

After more than a week off of work to spend with his mom, Phillip went back to work this weekend. Our days have taken on a crazy routine that involves him sleeping a few hours in the morning, and then us going to Hospice and spending much of the day. Carolyn has gotten weaker with each day, and yesterday was markedly different than others. It was the first day she hasn't eaten anything and hardly spoke. She also just seemed so uncomfortable and her breathing was labored. I think seeing her that way yesterday made this whole situation so much more real for all of us. A friend told me that although it's hard to watch loved ones suffer, we might not be willing to let them go otherwise. That's becoming more and more true each day. None of us are ready for Carolyn to pass, but seeing her suffer is too much.

I've watched Phillip, Jenny, and their dad go from the shock of hearing that Carolyn had such a short time, to spending all of their energy enjoying and taking care of her in her last days. I'm so proud of them, and I know Carolyn would be too. So many people at Hospice are lying in their beds alone, and that's one thing Carolyn has not had to do. But there are fewer things for them to do for her now but wait.

Many people have said it: Carolyn has fought this cancer harder than anyone I know. To outsiders that aren't around regularly, that may not mean much. But knowing the days, weeks, even months throughout the last 2 and a half years she has laid in her bed at home with severe pain and nausea that no medicine could touch, seeing the way she always attempted to smile, make a funny comment, and perk up for her family (especially the grandkids), and especially remembering how she kept a positive attitude and faith in God really says something about her will to live.

I've been part of the family for 8 and 1/2 years, and have always had a good relationship with my in-laws (at least I think so!). We started out living right next door, and then right around the corner. I came to appreciate Carolyn much more the day I gave birth to Bryson Douglas, and all of a sudden, I could see all the time and energy she put into raising her little boy, who is now my amazing husband. The funny stories she had told me about Phillip Douglas became more real. She told me that Phillip used to tell her that he was never going to leave her; that when he grew up, he was going to drive a truck and take her along. Now Bryson says the same kind of things. He's never going to leave me; he's going to marry me; he's going to take me with him forever! She used to tell Phillip that she was going to put a rock on his head so he'd slow down growing, and if I thought that would work, I'd try that with my boys! I've told Phillip quite a few times since she's been sick that he's still her baby boy, and if I were sick, there's nothing I'd want more than my son visiting me. I'll never forget the conversations we had as a new wife living next door waiting for "our men" to get home from work, how she took me thrift store shopping in those early days, has always saved me her coupons, and gave Bryson M&M's even when I didn't think he needed them. She shared her son and her heart with me, and I hope that she felt that I did the same for her. Those happy memories will always be precious to me.

I'm just taking it a day at a time, trying to rely on the Lord for strength, and I'm praying God will give Phillip, Jenny, and Phillip Douglas special peace. One thing is for sure, Heaven is sounding sweeter all of the time! It won't be long and Carolyn will be there, rejoicing forever where the word "cancer" doesn't even exist. I want to spend my life being faithful to my Savior and raising my children to love Him too. Eternity is what matters, not this brief life we live. I want to be ready!

A Silver Lining

Sometimes my blog is depressing. Unfortunately, life has dealt us some tough situations lately, but I want to take this opportunity to thank God for His faithfulness. Today, Phillip and I spent almost entirely at Hospice with Carolyn and other family members. She's had some rough days lately, but today was oddly good - actually more like great. When we got there around 10 this morning, she was sitting in a recliner smiling, talking about eating a donut. As the day progressed Carolyn maintained her stamina and her smile. We had some fun, normal conversations, and even went for a walk (well, she rode in a wheelchair) outdoors and enjoyed the beautiful day.

Sometimes it's easy to look at all the gloom and doom around me and forget about God's blessings. I know there are more tough days ahead, unless God performs a miracle. But, I want to say THANK YOU, Lord, for giving us a wonderful day that we'll remember for the rest of our lives. I would love to have a lifetime of these kinds of days, but none of us has a promise of tomorrow.

Thank you all for your prayers!

Overwhelmed

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to that rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

Words are failing me, and I'm simply praying for strength and still a miracle. Yesterday, my mother-in-law had to have emergency surgery. The news afterward wasn't good; the doctor said he has done everything that he can. Then he said she has a week, maybe two. We knew this day was coming, but didn't think it would be here so soon. Of course, I told Phillip, if we had five or ten more years, we still wouldn't be prepared to say good-bye. But it just seems so cruel to see someone with so much life left ahead of her, who has suffered unimaginable pain over the last years just to spend another day with her kids and grandkids, slowly lose her battle. God, please intervene.

The hardest part of all was watching her husband tell her. Weak and groggy from surgery, she looked at him and said, "Is it time?" He said, "Yeah, it's time." A look of horror crossed her face as she began to moan, "No, I don't want to die. It's not supposed to end this way. Please, don't let them take me. I don't want to die." What in the world can you say or do in response to that?

Today her frame of mind is better; the fight is back a little bit. She was moved to Hospice this afternoon for pain control for a few days, and then Monday will be going home. Our family is certainly going to have to lean on God for strength. When I think about the future much, I get overwhelmed. Over the past 8 years, I've grown to love Carolyn like a mother, and I hate to see her going through this and the thought of losing her is overwhelming. I also hate to watch my father-in-law and Phillip and Jenny try to be strong when their hearts are broken. She is now so close to Heaven; I hope the Lord just gives her special strength and grace between now and then.

It's Me Again

De ja vu...here we are back at Children's Hospital. Avery's fever got the best of him, and we brought him in w/ a 104.7 temp and dehydrated. He had so many seizures yesterday that I quit counting. This was his worst fever yet; since even Tylenol and Motrin weren't kicking it, he ended up having to lay in a cold room on a cooling pad with cold compresses on him. Made me shiver just looking at him!

Sometimes I feel guilty asking for prayer over and over again, but when it comes right down to it, that's about all I know to do. I've spent quite a lot of time myself praying for my little boy, but sometimes, the fear and worry of it all gets to me. My prayers become more of a weeping session, and I need my friends and family to step in for me. So, THANKS so much to you all who pray for our family!

Today Avery seems better. Fever controllable, no seizures, and he even ate a little bit. Unfortunately, his platelets are their lowest yet. I'm hoping that he recovers quickly and it's a long time before we have to spend another night here. But, as I've been studying lately in the Bible, often times we pray for relief when our real strength will come when we surrender and accept our suffering. That's a tough pill to swallow, and I'm going to keep on praying for a miracle! But, I'm also trying to remember that God has brought us to this point in our lives for a reason, and I want to be able to trust God and grow inspite of it. Meanwhile, I'm saying, "It's me again, Lord."

I'm hoping that he continues to improve, and we can get out of here. I'm trying not to think about the damage this sickness is going to do to what little progress we've made with eating. His eating has gotten so poor and he's lost enough weight that he officially fits the "Failure to thrive" label. We're trying to avoid any kind of feeding tube and praying that God will have his way and give us strength and wisdom in this aspect as well. So, if you get an extra minute, please continue to lift Avery up in prayer. He's our special little boy, and I would love to see God touch him.