It's All About Love!

I have to admit, today has been a bad day. I've been trying not to complain, but I've been so sick last night and today that I'm having a hard time with that. But, despite feeling crummy, I managed to get in some Bible reading today. I love that when I read the Scriptures, even ones I've read or heard over and over, I can see things in a new light.

Today I read in Matthew 5. Jesus had just finished sharing the Beatitudes, then in verses 38-42 He talks about the old law that said, "An eye for an eye." He says here, "But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also."

Then it gets even tougher in verse 43:" You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you...therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect."

I've read those verses before, but today I was thinking as I read them about how easy it is to love our neighbor or our brothers and sisters when that love is reciprocated, but an enemy? That's a whole different story! And Jesus didn't just say tolerate them; He said to LOVE them. I don't think I have many enemies, but I have been perhaps unfairly treated before, or talked about, or hurt. There have been folks who haven't treated well family members of mine or other people I care about. But the only thing I can control is my response. If Jesus said to love, then I'm sure if we put our faith in Him, He will give us that ability. What will separate a true Christian from the world is our ability to show Christ's love in spite of how we're treated. Like the verse says, if we do that, we can be perfect just like our Heavenly Father, for He has loved us before we ever loved Him. Sometimes I feel quite unlovable, but God in his infinite mercy never stops loving me! I pray that the Lord can open my eyes to the areas in my life where I need to respond in a more Christ-like way.

If you happen to be reading this, I would also appreciate your prayers that the Lord will give me strength to get through this sickness. I know I'm not the only woman to go through pregnancy sickness, but I'm having a hard time with it. Thanks!

Until next time,
Bethany

It's Just One of Those Days...

Today was one of those days where I didn't even get dressed until 3:30 p.m. These days seem to be happening more frequently. Don't judge me; at least I actually did get dressed for a few hours today! :)

Bryson and I made three pans of fudge. I folded three loads of laundry. I felt so proud of myself for accomplishing these tasks that I ordered Papa John's pizza for dinner! Again, don't judge. At least I got one with lots of veggies on it.

The pregnancy nausea and total lack of energy has set in, along with a ridiculously round belly for only 9 weeks. I guess on number three, my body is just saying, "Oh yeah. Here we go again. I'll just go ahead and pop out there like I know I'm gonna have to do eventually."

Christmas is only a few days away, and I'm hosting the Hoskins' family Christmas Eve get-together, so I'm trying to pace myself and slowly get the things done that I need to do (thus the 3 pans of fudge I made today). In my typical OCD way, I even made a list Saturday outlining each day with things I need to do. Phillip laughs at me, but I'm a goal-setter and a list-maker. Even more so now, I need a list to keep me moving. Yesterday, grocery shopping was on my list. So, I dutifully made my way to Kroger. I was actually feeling pretty good prior to going, but the longer I shopped, the worse I started to feel. My stomach suddenly felt empty, and when my belly gets empty, the nausea gets SO much worse. So what does the crazy pregnant lady do? I go to the deli and order an 8 pc. fried chicken dinner (because I wanted hot food), checked out as quickly as possible, and then as soon as I got Avery and my groceries loaded in the van, I dug into my chicken. I ate the biggest piece in there, and it was delicious! Then I drove home, and told Phillip what I did. Of course, he laughed at me like I'm insane. Maybe I kind of am.

I love Christmas time, but this year I'm kind of feeling like, enough already. Let's get this over with and move on. Yikes, I sound like Scrooge. However, I am looking forward to the excited looks on the kids' faces and spending time with family. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!

Not sure if I'll write again before Christmas, so I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas! May God bless you and yours!

A Few of My Favorite Things

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens..."

While I like that song, I just have to disagree with the lyrics. Really?? Whiskers and kettles aren't what make me smile. Yeah, I get it; the theme of the song is that it's the ordinary, everyday things that make our lives full and wonderful, and with that, I can agree!!
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Brothers who love each other more than anything in the world.

Big cheesy grins from my three favorite guys.

Bryson's amazement at the beautiful snow.

Avery's new trick...sticking his thumbs in his ears :).


Bryson doing so well in his Christmas program and his excited waves to us in the audience every few minutes.

These are a few of my favorite things!! I know it doesn't rhyme, but at least it makes a lot more sense.

My Pregnancy Grumblings

"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." That is the motto I was raised to adhere to and also explains why I haven't blogged lately.

It took about a week for the shock to wear off about our pregnancy news. During that time I had slight moments of nausea. Let me just tell you, they have gone from slight to severe and almost constant. Last Sunday morning was the first day I woke up feeling really yucky, and as I rolled over to sit up, I was like, "Yep. This is it. This is what I remember feeling and why I vowed to never have another baby." It seems like each day the nausea is getting stronger, and it seems to be most severe at night, which means I get very little sleep. It also means that I have a bag of chips and glass of lemonade on my table by my bed for a middle-of-the night snack to attempt to relieve the nausea. I have gained ten pounds already from sick-eating, because unfortunately, eating is the only thing I have found to take the edge off. I eat when I don't feel hungry and food doesn't even sound good. I don't remember it being this bad with my last two, definitely not Avery.

Another thing is that my life cannot revolve around this pregnancy. I now have two little boys that require lots of attention, so even though I don't feel like it, in a few minutes they'll be up needing breakfast, changed, and gotten off to preschool. I'd rather just lay on the couch under a warm blanket, but that just isn't an option. Phillip has been sympathetic, but he works third shift and sleeps through the day, so there's only so much he can do. I'm already becoming more of a homebody than ever. The last two nights Phillip has taken Bryson and gone out to a viewing, a church-working, and a graduation party, and I have stayed home on the couch. Somehow I must muster up the energy to finish my Christmas shopping. This is a bad time of year to feel terrible. I need to clean my house for company, go grocery shopping for baking, actually do some baking, wrap presents, attend school programs, and the list continues. We also need to take a trip to KY for a family Christmas, and the mere thought of getting into a vehicle and riding that long makes my stomach heave.

I'm having my first ultrasound tomorrow, and then am scheduled for another one in January to measure the neck and check for abnormalities like Avery. I'll feel SO much better when I'm told everything looks normal. That should also be around the time when the nausea is starting to ease some. So, I just must keep my thoughts focused on the future and getting through this rough patch.

I guess I've done enough complaining for one post. I will try not to make it a habit!!

Baby on the Way!!

I just want to share some exciting news! We found out yesterday that we're going to be having another baby in July. If you happen to be reading this, you may be like some others who gasp in shock and then tell us we will have our hands full. And we know we will. Or others who think that having another baby when we have two pretty high maintenance kids already is irresponsible. But we hope you all will just be happy for us and pray that the Lord will bless us with a healthy baby. That is our greatest desire right now.

I guess we have something else to add to our list of reasons to be thankful this holiday season!!

God Bless,
Bethany

Giving Thanks

This is the time of year that we officially set aside to give thanks for our blessings. I try to be thankful everyday, but on Thanksgiving Day, we make more of an effort to be with some of the people that we're so blessed to have in our lives and offer thanks together. If anything, this year I have learned that life is so fragile, that a good day can become a bad one so quickly, and that we must cherish the time we have with our loved ones. I, like many others, have an abundance of things to be thankful for!

First, I'm thankful for my little family: Phillip, Bryson, and Avery. We're an interesting group, that's for sure. We all have our flaws and imperfections, but we love each other more than life! I'm beyond blessed to be able to stay home with my boys.

Secondly, I'm thankful for my extended family and in-laws. What an amazing support system I have! And I have two sisters that are my best friends in the world. I don't want to take any of them for granted; I only wish we were able to spend more time together. Right now we're all healthy, and that is a HUGE blessing!

Next, I'm thankful for my husband's job! Security is a high priority for me. Phillip's job loss over the summer hit me hard, more emotionally than financially because I am such a worry-wart. Of course, God took care of us. But I'm so thankful that he is employed and has good insurance, which is so important with a kid like Avery.

I'm also thankful for our home, which my husband has so beautifully remodeled. And our automobiles...even the minivan :).

I guess those are all of the "big" things, but I'm thankful for all the "smaller" less typical things as well. I have a great part-time job that allows me to teach a couple nights a week when I want; Avery has made some progress developmentally - not much - but some; Bryson is thriving in preschool and becoming such a sweet little boy; our church has had a lot of great services lately; although I don't get to spend much time with them, I have many great friends. Most of all, I'm thankful for salvation and God's mercy!

I could write the world's longest blog ever by continuing to list my blessings, but I guess I'll stop. May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!
~Bethany

These Are the Days

These are the days where a good night's rest is no longer in my vocabulary, nor is it an expectation, and my house is never quite clean even though it seems I clean up an awful lot of messes.

These are the days when I hardly recognize the woman with the dark circles and tired skin staring at me in the mirror, and where I spend my time comparing prices on grocery items rather than browsing a clothing store...and my wardrobe will vouch for that!

These are the days when I feel like a circus act juggling appointments and busy schedules, like a failure when my overactive four-year-old misbehaves, and completely helpless when Avery is sick.

These are the days when my back aches from all the tugging and lifting of my son with special needs, and my bath time is usually interrupted by a little red-head shouting, "Mom-mmmyyyy!"

These are the days when we do a lot more eating at home than we used to, and we choose our restaurants by their child-friendliness.

These are the days when I feel like my brain has turned to mush from spending the majority of my time interacting with toddlers, and I only dream of spending quality time with my husband.

But these are the days when I realize time is going by way too fast, and if I could only slow it down, I would, and I can't help but feel pride and unexplainable love looking into my two little boys' eyes.

These are the days when my college degrees and career mean absolutely nothing in comparison with spending time with my children, and living on a tight budget is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

These are the days when sticky hugs and drool-ly kisses make my heart melt, when conversations with Bryson make me laugh, and seeing Avery's perfectly innocent smile and hand claps make me want to scoop him up and never put him down.

These are the days when I have developed an even deeper love for my husband as the father of my children.

These are the days that will become memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life, and I know that what I will remember won't be the sleepless nights, out-of-style clothing, and tight budget. I am BLESSED beyond imagination to get to spend this time of my life with the precious family that God has given me!

My Thoughts on a Quiet Morning!

I'm going to take advantage of this quiet morning to post some of the goings-on around here and a few of my muddled thoughts! We're already over a week into November; I just can't believe how quickly this year is wrapping up.

I'm heading to Indiana for a few days this weekend. Veteran's Day gives Avery a day off school and me a night off from teaching, so the boys and I are gonna pack up and go visit Mom and Dad. I'm really looking forward to it, and I know my mom is too!

The holidays are approaching, and I think the Hoskins' side of my family is in some ways dreading them. I always love this time of year, but I am reluctant to celebrate without Carolyn. It's going to be tough, but by God's grace, we'll make it through. I'm thankful that for the last couple of years since she's been sick, we made sure we were home for the holidays rather than traveling to/from my parents. I've got some great pictures and memories that will last a lifetime. Last year she wasn't feeling up to cooking, and I tried my hand at making fudge for our get-together. The recipe I used flopped (or maybe it was the cook!), so I gave her a call and got her recipe. I was able to make two batches pretty easily. I'm glad that I took the time to get it from her. Regardless of where the recipe came from, it will always be "Carolyn's fudge," and I think I'll give it a try again this year. A few days ago, Bryson and I stopped for a visit at the cemetery. While I want Bryson to remember Mammaw Carolyn, I'm also careful in the way that I talk about her because he gets upset. When we got out of the van and started walking toward her grave, he said, "Mommy, is she still dead?" Of course I told him yes. Then he said, "She's buried under the dirt, Mommy!" Then he spread his arms wide like he was a superhero and started running toward the little mound of dirt. He said, "Don't worry, Mammaw. Bryson's going to save you!" Then he said, "Let's get this dirt off of her!" Poor guy. It's a tough thing to explain to a four-year-old. He ended up leaving a Frankenstein Halloween sticker for her that he was confident she would like. I have no doubt that coming from one of her grandkids, she would have loved it.

We've been enjoying an "Indian summer" for the last few days with temps in the upper 60's. It has been lovely, and Bryson has been enjoying the outdoors once again. Avery has been going to school, clapping his hands, and doing what he does best, SMILE! He's also had a difficulty with this time change, or at least that's what I'm blaming his difficulty going to bed the last few nights on. Shew, I hope he gets through this soon!

Personally, I've been thinking a lot about ways that I can reach out to others. I feel like over the last two years especially, so many people have reached out to us and I haven't given back at all! Phillip said something in his preaching the other night about God saving us to serve, not to sit. That has really stuck with me and reminds me of what another preacher once said about we can either be a sponge or a spring. I definitely want to be a spring; I definitely want to serve! Of course our first obligations lie with service to God and our family. As other busy mothers out there would agree, sometimes it's easy to stop right there! I get so busy with proper discipline of Bryson, spending quality time with him, changing & feeding Avery, taking him to his scheduled therapies and appointments, and getting us all to church on time three services a week...sometimes serving others just doesn't happen! So, I've been making a real effort for the last couple of weeks to reach out. I'm not able to do much, but I've been trying to just call and check on someone who I know has gone through something, send a few cards, and cook a meal for a friend. That Casting Crowns song, "If We are the Body" is one of my favorites, and it's words are so powerful!
If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

I don't want to get so wrapped up in my own busy personal life that I forget there's a world out there that's hurting too. I can't really do anything about the whole world, but I CAN reach out to those around me. Lord, open my eyes and heart to those who need you!

That pretty much sums up my thoughts and activities recently! I better make the most of what is left of this quiet house! Until next time...
~Bethany

Trick or Treat

What a fun night of trick or treating with my kiddos! It's really the small things in life that make some of the best memories. We don't really get into celebrating Halloween; I prefer just to think of it as a fall holiday and avoid all things scary. Tonight Bryson was a Thomas Train and Avery was a puppy. We went around the block and got LOTS of candy. Bryson was so excited that he wanted to run from house to house. Avery just chilled in his stroller. We could've gotten more, but my little train got tired. Phillip stayed behind and handed out candy.

Now we're all worn out and ready for baths and bed. Hopefully I can keep Bryson out of the candy tonight! Here's a few photos of our evening.

Just Me...

My husband is gone squirrel hunting with a friend. I told him I didn't care if he went as long as he didn't bring anything home! Nope, this girl isn't about to make squirrel gravy or whatever it is people make with squirrels! It's been a long time since Phillip has had the chance to go hunting, so I'm glad he got to go this morning. But, I've been kind of feeling sorry for myself lately. I feel like Phillip and I have been running in two different directions for a really long time. I'd love to just slow down and have a little more "normal" time with my husband and kids. My "down-in-the-dumps" attitude hasn't been what I like to have or what is pleasing to God, I'm sure. So, here are a few things that I have to be thankful for and reasons I have to be HAPPY!
1. Despite limited time together, I do have a great husband! He loves me regardless of my many imperfections and tries his best to be supportive of his family.
2. I have two precious little boys. Bryson's imagination and active nature may test my patience sometimes, but he makes me laugh more than anyone in the world. And Avery is my little cuddle buddy. He's always got a smile, and God has taught me so much since Avery came into our world!
3. My parents are AWESOME and now live only 3 hours away. Woo hoo!
4. I'm blessed with two church families! And I am thrilled with what God is doing with our church at Spring Valley!
5. I have a cute little house that my handy husband is remodeling for me.
6. We rarely have extra, but we always have enough.

I already feel better. Here's a couple of photos of my little blessings!

Quiet Time

Somehow this evening I ended up with the house all to myself! I had to attend a wedding rehearsal that I'm playing the piano for, so Phillip had the boys. He ended up taking them to do some errands with him, and rehearsal ended sooner than I anticipated. So, I've been spending the last couple of hours in a quiet house.

I wasn't sure what to even do at first. I took a long, peaceful bath, did a couple loads of laundry, and surfed the web for awhile. Sounds real exciting, right? It has been kind of nice, but it's almost bedtime, and I'm ready for my munchkins, and of course my husband, to get home!

We've just been enjoying this beautiful fall weather we're having this week. I know that soon it will be too cold to get out, so I've been trying to spend as much time outdoors and I can. Wednesday was Bryson's much anticipated Pumpkin Patch field trip. Phillip went along, and they came home with stories of the hayride, apple cider, and even the news that one little boy got bitten by a donkey! Avery has been just truckin' right along, even with this runny nose and not so great blood counts. It makes me so happy to see him handling this cold so well!



We've also been trying to spend plenty of time with Phillip's dad. Something about losing a loved one just makes you want to take a little more time for the rest of your family. Actually, this evening Phillip, his dad, and the boys have been hanging out together, so I can only imagine that he might appreciate his quiet house tonight. I'm so thankful that we have the Lord to rely on and so many friends who lift us up in prayer! There's no way we'll ever fill this void in our lives, but God is faithful!

Well, I just heard a little knock at the door, so I think my quiet time is about to end! And I'm glad! I'm gonna get off here and enjoy a few minutes with my boys before bed.

Monday Madness...and More :)

I've done it again...went way too long in between posts. I just can't believe it's almost mid October already. Time is just flying by, and it seems to get faster every day! We've just been staying so busy with our normal schedule of preschool, work, church, with some extra activities mixed in. I'm teaching for Sinclair two nights a week, giving nine piano lessons at Northside Christian School on Mondays, and trying my best to be a good wife and mom. Being a wife and mom are surely my most important jobs!!

Today has been a typical Monday where we all feel a little lethargic from the weekend. This weekend, though, we spent in Indiana with my parents. It was our first trip since they moved north, and I'm sure we'll have many more! Ordinarily, I dread the trip as I strap the kids in their car seats knowing how many miles lie between us and my parents. But, the three hour trip zipped by with hardly a grumble or complaint from the kids. It was great! Yesterday was their Homecoming service, and Phillip preached the morning service. He did great, but he was nervous, and of course, I was nervous. So, there was some stress involved, but overall, it was a nice trip.

One thing that has been worrying me a little lately is Bryson's educational future. He is unlucky enough to have an August birthday, so we can either send him to Kindergarten the week after his 5th birthday or hold him back a year until he's 6. We're leaning toward the first option, so I've been trying to work with him on his letters and numbers. He's such a smart kid in so many ways: he can quote entire Thomas stories, sing numerous songs, recite many memory verses, and has an unusually active imagination. But he acts like he has short-term memory loss in other ways. I know part of it is the teacher in me and the other part is the OCD mom in me who wants her son to be successful, but I've been drilling him lately on his alphabet and numbers. Tonight we spent thirty minutes on the number 7. Seriously, he knew all the numbers around it, I had him say the word about a hundred times, and played games with him, but almost every time he would get this blank look on his face and say, "I don't know." Makes me feel like screaming a little bit!

Avery had a hematology clinic appointment today. Labs were okay for him: hmg 9.3 and platelets 50. Neither are normal, and neither make me too happy, but it could definitely be worse. I'm thankful that he is hanging in there, but I would love to get to the bottom of all of this. We're still waiting for a referral to JH. On the upside, he's had a cold for about a week, but he is handling it so well! I think this is the first time he's had just a cold, and not one that has turned into bronchiolitis, pneumonia, RSV, or something more severe. Maybe his immune system is getting a little stronger after all! His school teacher and physical therapist have been raving about his interaction and stamina at school. They claim that he is allowing them to do so much more with him and is responding so well to the other kids. I"m thrilled with that news, of course. We also got a new medical grade stroller for him that was donated by a family upgrading to a wheelchair. It's so nice and we send it to school with him so transporting him is easier and he can be more outfront during certain activities.

I can only imagine how boring this blog must be if anyone happens to be reading. Maybe this week something more exciting will happen or I'll be inspired to write something thrilling to read (not holding my breath for that:) ).

And Life Goes On

The last week has pretty much been a blur. Carolyn passed away Friday night, and we had her viewing Monday and funeral Tuesday. It has all been so surreal. I think Phillip and I have been operating in auto-pilot mode, just going through the motions and trying to do what needs to be done. I was watching some home videos last night from when Bryson was a baby, and once again it hit me how big of a void we're going to have in our lives without her smile, laugh, and how she showed her love to her family in big and small ways. I know Carolyn is in a much better place, but it's going to take time and prayer to try to adjust to life on earth without her. Strangely, Phillip and I left her funeral feeling encouraged. Bro. Bennie did such an amazing job of preaching that I could almost see her walking on streets of gold. I know that the days ahead are going to be more lonesome without her, but I'm so thankful that we have the promise that we will see her again someday.

Here are a couple of pics from Hospice when she was feeling pretty good.




I've told Phillip before that it seems strange when we're experiencing such pain to see that life is still going on. I've walked out of the hospital after a tough day with Avery and to see the sun shining and people driving by as if nothing is happening when my own heart is so heavy somehow seems wrong. That's kind of how it seems now. But, I've been trying to get back into the routines and make things as normal for the kids as possible. Both boys went back to preschool Wednesday, and Phillip and I started tackling some of those tasks that have been ignored for awhile. We're having some beautiful fall weather, and I'm trying to enjoy it and let Bryson play out all he wants.

Some really great news that I haven't shared yet is that my parents have moved MUCH closer. They are now pastors of Tunnel Hill church in Indiana, which is only a 3 hour drive; in comparison to the 13 hour trip to Citronelle, Alabama, it seems like we're practically neighbors! Mom and Dad were able to come over and help out with the kids during Carolyn's last days, and we're planning a trip over there in a week and a half. They have been in AL since I was 18; I'm excited about having them so much closer.

Although it seems strange we're getting back to "normal," God's grace is sufficient and His strength is perfect. When we are weak, He is strong. My prayer is that God will grant us strength and bring something good out of this difficult time.

Heaven is Sounding Sweeter!

It's early morning, and everyone is sleeping except me. I've been up doing laundry and other housework. I thought I'd take a few minutes and blog.

After more than a week off of work to spend with his mom, Phillip went back to work this weekend. Our days have taken on a crazy routine that involves him sleeping a few hours in the morning, and then us going to Hospice and spending much of the day. Carolyn has gotten weaker with each day, and yesterday was markedly different than others. It was the first day she hasn't eaten anything and hardly spoke. She also just seemed so uncomfortable and her breathing was labored. I think seeing her that way yesterday made this whole situation so much more real for all of us. A friend told me that although it's hard to watch loved ones suffer, we might not be willing to let them go otherwise. That's becoming more and more true each day. None of us are ready for Carolyn to pass, but seeing her suffer is too much.

I've watched Phillip, Jenny, and their dad go from the shock of hearing that Carolyn had such a short time, to spending all of their energy enjoying and taking care of her in her last days. I'm so proud of them, and I know Carolyn would be too. So many people at Hospice are lying in their beds alone, and that's one thing Carolyn has not had to do. But there are fewer things for them to do for her now but wait.

Many people have said it: Carolyn has fought this cancer harder than anyone I know. To outsiders that aren't around regularly, that may not mean much. But knowing the days, weeks, even months throughout the last 2 and a half years she has laid in her bed at home with severe pain and nausea that no medicine could touch, seeing the way she always attempted to smile, make a funny comment, and perk up for her family (especially the grandkids), and especially remembering how she kept a positive attitude and faith in God really says something about her will to live.

I've been part of the family for 8 and 1/2 years, and have always had a good relationship with my in-laws (at least I think so!). We started out living right next door, and then right around the corner. I came to appreciate Carolyn much more the day I gave birth to Bryson Douglas, and all of a sudden, I could see all the time and energy she put into raising her little boy, who is now my amazing husband. The funny stories she had told me about Phillip Douglas became more real. She told me that Phillip used to tell her that he was never going to leave her; that when he grew up, he was going to drive a truck and take her along. Now Bryson says the same kind of things. He's never going to leave me; he's going to marry me; he's going to take me with him forever! She used to tell Phillip that she was going to put a rock on his head so he'd slow down growing, and if I thought that would work, I'd try that with my boys! I've told Phillip quite a few times since she's been sick that he's still her baby boy, and if I were sick, there's nothing I'd want more than my son visiting me. I'll never forget the conversations we had as a new wife living next door waiting for "our men" to get home from work, how she took me thrift store shopping in those early days, has always saved me her coupons, and gave Bryson M&M's even when I didn't think he needed them. She shared her son and her heart with me, and I hope that she felt that I did the same for her. Those happy memories will always be precious to me.

I'm just taking it a day at a time, trying to rely on the Lord for strength, and I'm praying God will give Phillip, Jenny, and Phillip Douglas special peace. One thing is for sure, Heaven is sounding sweeter all of the time! It won't be long and Carolyn will be there, rejoicing forever where the word "cancer" doesn't even exist. I want to spend my life being faithful to my Savior and raising my children to love Him too. Eternity is what matters, not this brief life we live. I want to be ready!

A Silver Lining

Sometimes my blog is depressing. Unfortunately, life has dealt us some tough situations lately, but I want to take this opportunity to thank God for His faithfulness. Today, Phillip and I spent almost entirely at Hospice with Carolyn and other family members. She's had some rough days lately, but today was oddly good - actually more like great. When we got there around 10 this morning, she was sitting in a recliner smiling, talking about eating a donut. As the day progressed Carolyn maintained her stamina and her smile. We had some fun, normal conversations, and even went for a walk (well, she rode in a wheelchair) outdoors and enjoyed the beautiful day.

Sometimes it's easy to look at all the gloom and doom around me and forget about God's blessings. I know there are more tough days ahead, unless God performs a miracle. But, I want to say THANK YOU, Lord, for giving us a wonderful day that we'll remember for the rest of our lives. I would love to have a lifetime of these kinds of days, but none of us has a promise of tomorrow.

Thank you all for your prayers!

Overwhelmed

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to that rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

Words are failing me, and I'm simply praying for strength and still a miracle. Yesterday, my mother-in-law had to have emergency surgery. The news afterward wasn't good; the doctor said he has done everything that he can. Then he said she has a week, maybe two. We knew this day was coming, but didn't think it would be here so soon. Of course, I told Phillip, if we had five or ten more years, we still wouldn't be prepared to say good-bye. But it just seems so cruel to see someone with so much life left ahead of her, who has suffered unimaginable pain over the last years just to spend another day with her kids and grandkids, slowly lose her battle. God, please intervene.

The hardest part of all was watching her husband tell her. Weak and groggy from surgery, she looked at him and said, "Is it time?" He said, "Yeah, it's time." A look of horror crossed her face as she began to moan, "No, I don't want to die. It's not supposed to end this way. Please, don't let them take me. I don't want to die." What in the world can you say or do in response to that?

Today her frame of mind is better; the fight is back a little bit. She was moved to Hospice this afternoon for pain control for a few days, and then Monday will be going home. Our family is certainly going to have to lean on God for strength. When I think about the future much, I get overwhelmed. Over the past 8 years, I've grown to love Carolyn like a mother, and I hate to see her going through this and the thought of losing her is overwhelming. I also hate to watch my father-in-law and Phillip and Jenny try to be strong when their hearts are broken. She is now so close to Heaven; I hope the Lord just gives her special strength and grace between now and then.

It's Me Again

De ja vu...here we are back at Children's Hospital. Avery's fever got the best of him, and we brought him in w/ a 104.7 temp and dehydrated. He had so many seizures yesterday that I quit counting. This was his worst fever yet; since even Tylenol and Motrin weren't kicking it, he ended up having to lay in a cold room on a cooling pad with cold compresses on him. Made me shiver just looking at him!

Sometimes I feel guilty asking for prayer over and over again, but when it comes right down to it, that's about all I know to do. I've spent quite a lot of time myself praying for my little boy, but sometimes, the fear and worry of it all gets to me. My prayers become more of a weeping session, and I need my friends and family to step in for me. So, THANKS so much to you all who pray for our family!

Today Avery seems better. Fever controllable, no seizures, and he even ate a little bit. Unfortunately, his platelets are their lowest yet. I'm hoping that he recovers quickly and it's a long time before we have to spend another night here. But, as I've been studying lately in the Bible, often times we pray for relief when our real strength will come when we surrender and accept our suffering. That's a tough pill to swallow, and I'm going to keep on praying for a miracle! But, I'm also trying to remember that God has brought us to this point in our lives for a reason, and I want to be able to trust God and grow inspite of it. Meanwhile, I'm saying, "It's me again, Lord."

I'm hoping that he continues to improve, and we can get out of here. I'm trying not to think about the damage this sickness is going to do to what little progress we've made with eating. His eating has gotten so poor and he's lost enough weight that he officially fits the "Failure to thrive" label. We're trying to avoid any kind of feeding tube and praying that God will have his way and give us strength and wisdom in this aspect as well. So, if you get an extra minute, please continue to lift Avery up in prayer. He's our special little boy, and I would love to see God touch him.

Avery's Big Day

Today was Avery's first day of school. Yes, today my two and a half year old got on the bus and went to toddler group at the Southview School, which is a program for children with special needs through the MRDD. I went along today, and I'm so glad I did. I texted Phillip updates and pictures all throughout the afternoon, and at one point Phillip texted back, "I feel like crying. Avery finally looks like he belongs." I actually swallowed back the urge to cry several times as I watched him. Avery sat in a chair like a big boy and clapped his hands during music time. He played in dry rice and with some other learning toys. He sat on a bike during gym time. While Avery was one of the most limited kids there, there were so many with a variety of special needs that Avery just blended in. There's one other student in his class, a little girl named Lily, who uses a walker too. She's really good with it, and Avery just looked at her like he was amazed. They rode in the wagon to and from class together. I know there is no quick-fix for my little guy, but I'm hoping that he thrives at school. Here are a few photos of our day.

BUSY!!

I...must...keep...going...This has been the voice inside my head for the last two weeks because without some serious self-talk, I wouldn't have survived. This week has been Dryden Road's annual campmeeting, and we have attended most services, a.m. & p.m. Add that to the fact that we were in a week long revival last week, along with normal everyday therapy/appts, working in visits to my sick mother-in-law, and living in an un-finished house and you can begin to understand my lack of energy. Tonight is the last night of campmeeting, and although I would LOVE to go, I am officially crashing tonight. My house is beginning to look like a tornado struck and I feel like it would be borderline abusive to wrangle my kids into church clothes and take them to another church service. Don't get me wrong; revival and campmeeting have been AWESOME, but I am pretty much done.

So, with that being said, I'm in the beginning stages of cleaning up and plan on spending my evening doing laundry and catching up on some much needed house work. Also, I'm going to let my kids play unrestricted and hopefully, get them in bed before midnight for a change.

Above all, God is good. I'm excited about the things I have seen him doing in my church and at Dryden Road, which is basically our second home church. I've felt challenged and convicted to move up, and I hope that I can meet the challenge.

Today we met Avery's toddler group teacher, assistant, and nurse, and he will be beginning next Tuesday. It will be a bittersweet moment, but I'm definitely hoping that toddler group inspires Avery to learn some new skills.

Bryson is unusually grouchy, but I have to blame our wacky schedule for that. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

So, I must end this scattered post to get on with my night of playing hookey. I have much to do.

Until next time...

Goings On

I've gone and fallen off the wagon again with my blogging, but sometimes, life just happens! I just can't believe it is mid-August already. This has been one of the hottest summers I remember, and it has moved so quickly. There have been so many ups and downs since my last post, and I can't recount every detail, but perhaps I'll hit the highlights.

First, we're staying in our new house. Yes, the stinky, leaky, un-livable house that my husband has been working so diligently to remodel for us. It still is unfinished, but it's no longer stinky, leaky, or un-livable, so we're taking it one day at a time. We're slowing marking items off of our to-do lists, but it will take lots of time! I'm thrilled to be in our own space and excited with the outcome of the remodeling. I'm looking forward to the finished product!

Today is Bryson's birthday, and it's hard to believe that he is 4! It seems like yesterday he was a little, cuddly baby, and now he's so big and smart. He asked me if he gets to be the boss now that he's 4...like he's not already!! We had planned on being in Gatlinburg this week and celebrating his birthday there, but plans changed so we kept it low-key. We took him to McDonald's with his cousins and let him eat a happy meal and play on the playground. Then we took him to Toys R Us and let him pick out a couple of toys. It was simple but fun.

The reason that our Gatlinburg trip was cancelled was due to my mother-in-law's declining health. Her cancer is back and spreading, so her doctor admitted her to the hospital and began another round of chemo. We're praying that God will move once again for her.

Avery has also had some not-so-great days. He continues to puzzle the doctors, who are considering sending us to Baltimore, Johns Hopkins University, for a closer look. He had another seizure last week, scaring me to death again. (I don't think I'll EVER get used to them). And his eating is declining. He is getting to where he doesn't want ANYTHING in his mouth. So, we've changed all of his speech goals to feeding goals in therapy, and we're focusing on eating. I've gone back to whole milk and adding baby formula for calories, and I've also gone back to baby food, since he is choking so often now. It has been a constant struggle to get food in him, and I'm finding myself increasingly worried.

On a better note, our church had a great revival last week. I, and I believe many others, was challenged and convicted to get closer to God. I'm hoping that it was only the beginning of something great for our church!

I realize this was a pretty scattered post, but my life is a little scattered right now too! Until next time...

Our Fun Day

Today was just a good day. Nothing spectacular, and to some, it might have even been boring; but to my little guys and I, it was a much needed fun day.

The boys slept late this morning (10 am), but when they finally woke, we got dressed quickly and left. We started our adventure with McDonald's, Bryson's all-time favorite place to eat. From there we went to Cox Arboretum, which is a local metro park known for it's beautiful gardens and natural scenery. We brought along some old bread to throw in the pond to the fish and turtles. Bryson loved that! He said, "Mommy, they're starving." We walked along the paths, stopping for photos at a few spots, and checked out the butterfly house. Avery just looked on from his stroller and participated in a few picture moments. After about an hour, the heat was getting pretty ridiculous, so we went looking for air-conditioning. We ended up at the mall, where we only spent $.25 cents on a gum ball, but we did browse several stores and spent quite awhile at the play area. By the time we got home it was nap time for Avery, and Bryson was ready for some quiet time himself.

I love it when the boys and I can just enjoy simple things and each other's company. Bryson and I had some fascinating conversations (for a 3-year-old), and Avery just enjoyed the stroller ride.

Here's a few pictures of our outing.

Warning: This post was written by a sleep deprived mom

What is it about bedtime that starts my mind running in a hundred different directions? Or, maybe I'm weird and it's just my OCD getting the best of me. Whatever the case, it makes for a rough night. Some nights, I just make to do lists in my brain or figure our budget or redecorate a room...you get the picture.

Last night my thoughts were more serious. I laid there in the quiet room and started thinking about my precious little boys who were laying there next to me. I started thinking about how we spend our days and nights and wondering if I'm being as good of a mom as I can be - if I'm teaching them about respect, responsibility, and most of all, about loving God. When my boys grow up, what are they going to remember? Sure, they'll remember fun times, but will they remember me as a loving mom, who although far from perfect, was wholly devoted to God and her family? Sometimes I just think it's easy for me to just get through the days. I focus on just getting through Wal-Mart without drawing too much attention to ourselves, or getting us all ready to go somewhere without episode, or just getting through the day with happy, healthy kids. But am I setting aside time for important things? Am I enjoying every minute I have with my children or am I simply surviving it?

I heard a quote one time that said something like, "The way you spend your days is the way you spend your life." It's easy to get stuck in routines and make plans to do something different in the future, and before you know it, the future is here! Bryson is already almost 4 years old. Some might say that his character and behaviors are already being shaped for life. Avery is 2, and he's definitely not a typical two-year-old. Sometimes I worry that with Avery, I've given up on progress. It just takes so much effort and time to do proper exercises, to work with him on skills he having difficulty with, such as drinking from a sippy cup, making/understanding signs/sounds, going from back to sitting by himself. Sometimes these goals seem almost impossible, and I have to say although I go through the motions, my hopes aren't always high. And then come the feelings of guilt - what did I do wrong? what can I do to fix this? And I worry that Bryson has been affected by Avery's special needs. Then comes one of my most troublesome thoughts that keeps me up at night: this isn't how things were supposed to be! Bryson and Avery are 19 months apart; they are supposed to be best friends, playing together, wrestling, fighting, loving each other. And the anxiety continues...

Nobody warned me that even when my kids started sleeping through the night, I might not because I would still be thinking about them! Needless to say, some nights like last night just don't bring a peaceful sleep, and I wake up feeling in need of a caffeine boost to get started. But I'm also going to start my day the way I should start every day, with prayer; but sometimes, admittedly, other things interfere and prayer gets pushed to the side. I'm also going to squeeze my boys a little tighter when they finally decide to get out of bed this morning. I want to make the most of every moment today, and tomorrow, and the next day...

More About Our Summer

These hot, summer days just keep clicking by. Even though I LOVE summer, for some reason, I keep finding myself secretly longing for the quieter days of fall/winter, when it seems not much is going on and the cold weather is a good excuse to just stay home. I know that sounds crazy; it probably just has a lot to do with our unusually busy, chaotic summer so far.

This week has been a pretty good week. The highlight of my week was came on Wednesday, when my sweet husband handed me a note. The note said that he had made reservations for us at the Crowne Plaza for the night, so to pack an overnight bag - we were going away for a much needed break. He knew better than to ask me because I would always have a reason why it wasn't a good idea. So, since my parents and sister were in town and were able to watch our kids for the night, Phillip and I spent the night alone, which is incredibly rare. Even though I missed my kids, it was really great!

Another positive happening has been that Bryson has had two days this week where he was almost perfect. If you know Bryson, then you know that is quite an event! He was calm, listened, and obeyed the first time. He really is a sweet little boy, but sometimes his over-active imagination and difficulty following directions gets him in trouble. I hope that these two days were a sign of some maturity and focus finally developing in him, but that might be unrealistic since he is only 3.

Avery is in day 3 of having a fever. The pediatrician initially diagnosed him with coxackie (spelling?) virus, which is hand-foot-mouth, but then his strep screen came back positive, so he's on antibiotics and I'm attempting to keep his fever down. It seems like every little germ that comes by infects Avery. Poor guy.

Phillip has been working so hard on our new house. We're probably about a week to 10days away from being able to stay there. Of course, it probably won't be completely finished until we're ready to move again, but we'll work on it a little at a time. I'm very excited about getting back into our own space.

My parents left today to head back to AL. after being here for a week. I always feel a little lonely after they go. But we had a lot of fun even though much of our time was spent helping my grandparents get moved into their new house.

One last thing I must include in this post is our experience at Menard's tonight. We were there buying more stuff for our house; Phillip had Avery, and I had Bryson. Bryson has a bad habit of walking away, and he's not very good at following voices. So, I turned my head for a second, and of course, Bryson walked away. I assumed he had gone to the next aisle, so I went there...no Bryson. I walked around in the general area, looking down the aisles and calling his name...still no Bryson. After about 5 minutes of scouring the store, I was starting to get really worried, so I went to the service desk and explained that my son had wondered off. She wanted a description, which I provided. Then she used her headset to page the employees on the floor. Immediately, someone said, "We found him in flooring." With great relief I walked toward flooring and saw my little red-head running toward me. "Mommy, I thought I would never see you again," was the first thing out of his mouth. I picked him up and asked him what he had done. He said, "I couldn't find you, so I found a grown-up with Menard's on her shirt." I told him that was really smart. Unfortunately, he had told the worker that he didn't know his mommy's name. He told me, "Your name is Bethany, but I just call you Mommy."

Catching Up!

No, I didn't fall off of the face of the earth, but it kind of feels like it. I'm a bit ashamed that I've not written in almost a month (Yikes!), but in my defense, my summer so far has been beyond chaotic. The boys and I also just returned last night from a 2 1/2 week visit with my parents in Alabama. If you have read any of my recent posts then you know that we (which really means Phillip) are in a major remodeling project. We have been staying at my sister's house until our new house is ready for us, so the long visit to Alabama was a nice escape for us. While I was away, my husband made some serious progress on our house, including quite a bit of painting, new windows, new hardwood floors, and other odds and ends. We're hoping that in the next two weeks, we'll be able to begin the moving in process. Fingers crossed!

While we were gone, Mom and I spent most of our days running around, shopping and eating out almost every day. Considering how much we shopped, I mostly was window-shopping, but we definitely came home with more than what we left with. It was nice to be away from some of the stress around here, although I wasn't able to escape it completely. It seems like I have a very difficult time keeping my mind from running crazy and overwhelming me with the possibilities, many of which aren't good. However, with Mom's help, I was able to sneak away to my parent's church right next to their house almost everyday for some quiet time with the Lord. That was a blessing, since quiet time of any sort doesn't exist much around here, and my prayer time is often interrupted, rushed, or split up into mini-prayer sessions as I can manage.

When he wasn't running around with us, Bryson spent the days playing in a plastic swimming pool and riding the 4 wheeler with Dad. He thinks Mom and Dad's house is Alabama - not the name of the state - and that the Cedar Creek church sign by their house says, "Alabama." Every time we would get close to their house and catch a glimpse of the church sign, he would say, "There's Alabama, Mommy!" He actually invited a few little kids he met in a store one day to come to Alabama and ride his pappaws big 4 wheeler. One little girl sai, "Silly goose, this is Alabama!"

Avery pretty much did what he does everywhere else. He pretty much goes with the flow. One great thing was that I found him sitting up in his bed one night, which has never happened before or since. I'm not sure how he managed it, but I hope it's a sign of things to come. The feeding situation has been declining, and Mom and I spent countless hours trying to force feed him. He's lost over 2 pounds in the last couple of months and is fighting food more and more. It's so frustrating to have to worry so much about if he's getting enough calories at his age. He also managed to scare me once again by having a seizure on the Friday before we left. This was his first seizure without a fever. We were riding in the car on our way to shop, of course, when Rebecca noticed Avery's face. His eyes were opened but rolled to the side and he was turning grey. I started calling his name and scrambling to get him out of the car seat, but he jerked his arms up and locked them, which made getting him out difficult. While Mom headed for the hospital, I was trying to get his attention and get him to come back to us. After his seizures, he gets really listless and tired, and if he isn't forced to stay somewhat alert, he usually has another one. So, off we went to a hospital where they didn't know anything about Avery or his medical history and had never heard of Diamond Blackfan Anemia. Being away from home and him getting sick is a huge fear of mine. Thankfully, he recovered after a couple of hours and seemed back to his old self. The doctor said he thinks Avery has an underlying seizure disorder and put him on daily anti-seizure meds. We're going to be seeing the neurologist in a week to see what she thinks.

I'm glad to be home, but part of me wishes I could have stayed a little longer until my house was ready for me. I would have, but Avery has appointments beginning today that I just can't miss. So, it's back to the same old routine for us! I am glad to be back to Phillip; I missed him so bad, and I feel so disconnected after not being with him for so long. He's not a great communicator on the phone, so we have a lot of catching up.

Before I end this incredibly long post, I do want to say that while I was gone, the Lord did answer a prayer for us. In my previous posts, I mentioned that we had a new situation that we were trying to trust the Lord with, and it had us pretty overwhelmed. Actually, the first week I was in Alabama, I was almost physically sick from worry. A couple of days before I left, Phillip called me and told me that God had worked it out for us. Our lives definitely aren't stress-free now, but God is working. God is teaching us to depend totally on Him. He seems to want us not to rely on anyone or anything but Him, and as I'm attempting to have the faith that I need, I am learning that God WILL take care of us. It might not happen when I want, but he's not going to forsake me. I'm so thankful for that.

Until next time...
Bethany

Our Crazy, Wonderful Life!

If you're honest with yourself, I'd say you'll have to admit that they don't come much cuter than this!




If you read my last post then you know that our living situation is a bit chaotic right now. So I'm spending my days trying to keep the boys preoccupied while Phillip remodels our house. That can be a challenge, but Bryson is happy as long as he's outside. So, I try to make sure that he gets plenty of outdoor play time. Yesterday I attempted a trip to the mall. Our first stop was the Food Court, of course. Avery choked on a french fry and threw up everything he had eaten all over himself and the floor. While I was bent over trying to clean him up and get a plan for cleaning up the floor, I noticed a stream coming from the bottom of the Elder Beerman stroller he was riding in. Yep, it was pee! He's becoming an expert at peeing through his diaper these days. So, I just found a nearby custodian, explained to him the situation, and left the Food Court with a puddle of vomit next to a puddle of pee, compliments of my little rascal. Needless to say, I went straight to the van, threw Avery's clothes away in a nearby trash can, and came home.

Even if they are a lot of work, they still sure are cute! Despite the stress in our lives right now, we are blessed.



Here's my three handsome men before Sunday School.

Our Extreme Home Makeover Begins!

I haven't had a chance to blog in awhile. Why, you may ask? Well, since my last post, we closed on our "new" house. We moved all of our belongings to the basement there except for a few essentials, which we brought with us to my sister's where we'll be staying temporarily. If you check out the pictures below, you'll understand why we're not currently living in our new home!


That is a hole in the ceiling from plumbing leaks just inside the front door.

The kitchen

And that is cat litter we found under the carpet! Yuck!



Our deck with a tree growing through it.

So, here we go again. We're the proud owners of what has been the neighborhood eyesore, and our realtor has so kindly dubbed "the stinky house" which is how all of us now refer to it. However, every day, the house is getting a little less stinky, but it's a long way from being livable. Some people may think our habit of buying junky houses (this is our third one!) and remodeling is CRAZY, but it's also enjoyable. Of course, my husband does most of the hard and dirty work; I get to make decisions, pick out cabinets, counter tops, paint colors, and such. I don't mind getting my hands dirty, though. There's something rewarding about seeing something so ugly be restored.

Until it's finished, we're staying at Sarah and Rod's house. So far, so good. The kids and Phillip and I are all sleeping in the same room, which takes a little getting used to. I'm looking forward to getting our house complete and moving in, but until then, I'll try to keep you updated on our progress.

Counting My Blessings

There are a lot of negative things I could write about tonight - like the fact that I hit a big green trash can that happened to be laying in the middle of the highway last night and did who knows how much in damage to my van (okay, so I wrote about just ONE negative thing), but tonight I'm choosing to focus on the positive things going on in my life. I don't want to be a complainer!

First of all, Avery has been coughing less and less, and his appetite has been improving. He's getting so close to reaching a couple of his PT goals. I'm hoping it will happen soon! Even though he's not 100%, he's smiling again!

Also, our realtor told us yesterday that the judgement that had been placed on the house we were trying to buy has been removed. So, we should get a closing date Monday or Tuesday. They are going to let us start moving some things in as soon as we get our date set. Thank God! I've been lying in bed at night worrying about all of the thing we have to do, and I was hoping that renting a storage unit was not going to be necessary. In fact, Thursday night, I was awake until 4:00 a.m. I absolutely could not sleep. I had this panicky, sick feeling in my stomach and was feeling completely overwhelmed. About 3:15, I slipped out of bed to the living room and got on my knees. I prayed for about 30 minutes just pouring out my heart to the Lord. After about 30 minutes, I felt peace settle in. I just sat still for a few minutes and enjoyed the peace of God, then I went to bed and fell asleep. I'm very thankful that I have God to turn to!

Bryson has been especially sweet lately. He had his last day of preschool Wed., and Avery and I went and watched him sing songs and get a certificate. I was so proud that he just sat where he was supposed to and participated so well. Avery and I clapped for him, and I could just see the happiness gleaming in his eyes that we were there with him! Bryson has been coming out of his shell some. He's always been active but also somewhat unfriendly to people when he's put on the spot. Now, he's starting to talk to everyone (the cashier, the people walking on the sidewalk by our house, the neighbor). I guess he gets this from his dad! A couple of days ago, we were waiting in line at Meijer, and a lady got in line behind us. Bryson said, "Hi!" and waved. She said hi and asked his name. He told her his name and asked hers. She replied that she was Lisa. He said, "Nice to meet you. You're purty!" She started giggling, and I was a little embarassed, but also so happy that he was using his manners. He kept talking her leg off until it was finally our turn.

Have I mentioned lately that I have a fantastic, hard-working, thoughtful husband? If not, that's definitely a positive thing to mention. He knows my stress level has been creeping up this week. He tells me, "Don't worry." I'm like, "That really doesn't help!" But the back rubs at bed time do! Today he worked so hard to get several things done that he knew I was stressing about, and he puts up with my ridiculous, obsessive list-making when I know it's not his style and drives him crazy.

I mentioned to Phillip the other day about how trusting kids are. They don't notice stress or financial struggles. They don't worry about the future because they know that their mom and dad will do whatever it takes to feed, clothe, and care for their needs. I'm so far from having this child-like faith, but I desire to have it. I want to just have peace knowing that regardless of how bad a circumstance is, God is going to take care of His child. On this positive note, I'm going to close.

The Next Kenny Hinson...

Something Bryson has inherited from his dad is a love for the Hinson's music. Here he is singing a classic, "Call Me Gone." He skips a couple of parts, but I think it's pretty entertaining!

Just Call Me Job's Wife!

Oh, the craziness! That pretty much sums up my life right now! My house is slowly being overtaken with boxes, and the day that we have to be out is quickly approaching. Unfortunately, the closing on our new house has been pushed back, so right now, I'm almost homeless! On top of the moving chaos, Avery has been sick since my last post. He ran a fever for three days, and some days, it wasn't dropping at all, even with the tylenol. The pediatrician said it was a bad case of croup, which "bad case" seems to describe every illness that Avery contracts. Yesterday morning Avery finally woke up fever-free, and I thought we were out of the woods, but he's still coughing, has a runny nose, and has been SOOOOO grouchy! It's not like him to be so fussy, but pretty much nothing has made him happy, and he's refusing to eat. This is causing tons of worry for Mama, of course. Add to that his nose bleeds from yesterday, and I'm now worrying about platelet levels. Shew!

On top of all of this, God has once again asked us to trust him in an entirely new and unexpected situation. I won't get into all of the details, but at this point I feel like all of my vulnerabilities are being tested. I told Phillip yesterday that as I look back over the last few years, it seems like every trial we've encountered I've said, "This is the worst situation; I can't handle any more." And then something else happens, and I realize that I HAVE to handle something else. I also told him, somewhat jokingly, that I was starting to feel like Job, or Job's wife, although I don't want to take Job's wife's approach to our trials.

So this morning as I'm home from church with Avery, I thought I'd read a little bit from the book of Job since we have so much in common these days! I've always thought of Job as a strong man who took his trials gracefully and without complaint. As I was reading this morning, I realized that the entire third chapter is pretty much Job's expression of his misery and fear. The first verse says that Job opened his mouth and "cursed his day." Wow! I've felt like doing that a few times! He goes on to say that it would have been better for him to never have been born or to die than to suffer like he is. Verse 25 speaks my exact thoughts: "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me." I can't even tell you the times that I have seen my greatest fears come to pass. I've watched my child literally fight for his life, and all of those worries and anxieties that a new mother has that usually are unnecessary have become a reality for me. Many of those dreams and aspirations that parents have for their children have been taken away from us. And now, our new situation is requiring me to face another one of my greatest fears.

I'm a picket fence kind of person. I dream of long days with my healthy, happy husband and children in our humble home with a white picket fence around the yard where my boys can run and play. Maybe even a well-behaved dog there too. I want security, not wealth. I've realized the last couple of years that I can be happy with so much less than what I used to think I needed.

Of the 42 chapters of Job, he goes back and forth between lamenting his situation, defending himself and God to his friends, and blessing God. I'm trying to hard to have Job's "Though he slay me..." attitude, when I really want to pray, "Fix this God, and fix it fast!" It does help me to realize that Job wasn't without complaint, worry, or doubt. He was human just like me, but most importantly, he trusted God. That's what I'm striving to do. So, any of you who are reading this and believe in prayer, I would really appreciate it if you would add our family to your prayer list!

Just Some Thoughts...

Husband at the gym, boys in the bed...ahhh! Peace and quiet!

I love all three of these guys I live with to death, but I definitely appreciate solitude every once in awhile.

My plans got changed this morning when Avery woke up with a fever. I immediately started to panic. I've always felt sorry for my kids when they have fevers; they just seem so uncomfortable, and there's not much I can do for them, but I have never feared them until the last few months. Since Avery's first febrile seizure, I now get this panicky, sick feeling in my stomach and pretty much watch him like a hulk. He had one little moment this morning where he got really still and started losing his color, and I was sure he was about to seize. Thankfully, his fever broke this afternoon, and I'm hoping we've seen the end of it.

Yesterday, Avery's labs showed a hemoglobin of 11 (awesome!) and platelets of 60,000 (not so great). We're going back again in two weeks and will probably schedule a bone marrow aspiration. The doctor we saw yesterday suggested we do one every three months for a while, and if the marrow does indeed continue to show failure in more than one line of cells (red cells & platelets), that we proceed with a bone marrow transplant. In some ways, that scares me to death. But if the transplant is successful, then Avery's bone marrow failure would be cured! That's almost too amazing for me to even grasp right now. Of course, it would be a really long process with many risks, and we would have to find a match for him.

My house is becoming a maze of boxes as I move into the final stage of packing. I'm a little bit OCD, I admit, so the entire packing/moving process is getting a little crazy. I make lists and then complete them only to make another list. We only have two weeks left in our house, and I'm hoping my sanity will still be intact by then.

Well, with that, I think I'll get off here and enjoy the last few minutes of my solitude. Night!

Happy Mother's Day

Since I have become a mother myself, my appreciation for my mother has grown significantly! I remember my childhood and all the things that my mom did, and as a kid, I just took them for granted. Now, I have a hard enough time keeping up my with my own two kids, keeping my own house clean, and doing all of the other chores that go along with having my own family like grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring to and from doctors' appointments and preschool. Suddenly I'm amazed at how my mom managed it all and still was able to raise polite, responsible (at least I like to think we are) Christian children. She made us breakfast almost every morning of my life, and I don't just mean cereal or a pop tart. She drove us to school most mornings so we could sleep as late as possible, and then we'd come home from what we thought was a stressful day at school to find our rooms clean, beds made, house sparkling, and a home-made meal on the stove. She went above and beyond in helping us with school projects and made our wants and needs her priority. She even picked up some house cleaning jobs in her "spare time" to have a little extra for braces, private school, and then later our social activites. Again, I'm simply amazed that she pulled it off, and I'm aspiring to do the same (although the big breakfasts and TASTY meals aren't my strong-point).

As a mother of boys, I am also deeply thankful for my mother-in-law who helped make my husband the amazing man, father, and husband that he is today. If he was anything like mine, then Carolyn deserves an extra jewel in her crown. I know how much I love my little boys and dread the day they grow up and I'll no longer be the only woman in their lives. My mother-in-law has always treated me like a daughter, not a son-stealer. She has fought cancer and beat the odds, and she's with us to celebrate another Mother's Day.

Above all of my other accomplishments in life, I count being a mom as the one that makes me the most proud. Of course, it also makes me crazy sometimes! I thought that teaching a roomful of hormonal middle-school students six periods a day was the most challenging task I would ever encounter. Wow, was I wrong! But even on those crazy days (which are pretty common) I wouldn't change it. I'm so thankful for my precious boys and the opportunity I have to stay home with them now and for my husband, who shares the ups and downs. Now if I can just somehow raise my boys to be polite, responsible, Christian young men...

Happy Mother's Day to all of you amazing, hard-working, under-appreciated moms!

Here's a little story that Bryson shared with me today. Enjoy!

Our Day at the Zoo

Today we took a trip to the Columbus Zoo, and we had a blast! It's been years since I've been to a zoo, and this was Bryson and Avery's first trip ever. Bryson was so excited that he couldn't get the smile off his face when he talked about it, and he made up a little song that went something like, "I can't wait to go to the zoo-ooo; I can't wait to go to the zoo-ooooooo." The weather was perfect, and the animals were amazing. It's days like today that I know we're making memories that will last a lifetime. I could say more, but I think the photos speak for themselves!







After getting up early and walking who knows how many miles, the boys were exhausted! Here's what our trip home looked like. Notice the cheeseburger hanging out of Avery's mouth. He literally fell asleep in between bites!



As usual, I didn't get a nap today, and all of the excitement has left me beyond tired. So I'm going to call it a night!