What is it about bedtime that starts my mind running in a hundred different directions? Or, maybe I'm weird and it's just my OCD getting the best of me. Whatever the case, it makes for a rough night. Some nights, I just make to do lists in my brain or figure our budget or redecorate a room...you get the picture.
Last night my thoughts were more serious. I laid there in the quiet room and started thinking about my precious little boys who were laying there next to me. I started thinking about how we spend our days and nights and wondering if I'm being as good of a mom as I can be - if I'm teaching them about respect, responsibility, and most of all, about loving God. When my boys grow up, what are they going to remember? Sure, they'll remember fun times, but will they remember me as a loving mom, who although far from perfect, was wholly devoted to God and her family? Sometimes I just think it's easy for me to just get through the days. I focus on just getting through Wal-Mart without drawing too much attention to ourselves, or getting us all ready to go somewhere without episode, or just getting through the day with happy, healthy kids. But am I setting aside time for important things? Am I enjoying every minute I have with my children or am I simply surviving it?
I heard a quote one time that said something like, "The way you spend your days is the way you spend your life." It's easy to get stuck in routines and make plans to do something different in the future, and before you know it, the future is here! Bryson is already almost 4 years old. Some might say that his character and behaviors are already being shaped for life. Avery is 2, and he's definitely not a typical two-year-old. Sometimes I worry that with Avery, I've given up on progress. It just takes so much effort and time to do proper exercises, to work with him on skills he having difficulty with, such as drinking from a sippy cup, making/understanding signs/sounds, going from back to sitting by himself. Sometimes these goals seem almost impossible, and I have to say although I go through the motions, my hopes aren't always high. And then come the feelings of guilt - what did I do wrong? what can I do to fix this? And I worry that Bryson has been affected by Avery's special needs. Then comes one of my most troublesome thoughts that keeps me up at night: this isn't how things were supposed to be! Bryson and Avery are 19 months apart; they are supposed to be best friends, playing together, wrestling, fighting, loving each other. And the anxiety continues...
Nobody warned me that even when my kids started sleeping through the night, I might not because I would still be thinking about them! Needless to say, some nights like last night just don't bring a peaceful sleep, and I wake up feeling in need of a caffeine boost to get started. But I'm also going to start my day the way I should start every day, with prayer; but sometimes, admittedly, other things interfere and prayer gets pushed to the side. I'm also going to squeeze my boys a little tighter when they finally decide to get out of bed this morning. I want to make the most of every moment today, and tomorrow, and the next day...
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