A Few Words on My 30th Birthday

I never thought I'd see the day when I turned 30. That may sound strange, but seriously, I never imagined life outside of my 20's. Everyone else can age, but me, I'm supposed to be ageless! But when I opened my eyes this morning, the first thought that popped in my mind was, "Yikes! I'm 30 now!" Actually, most days I feel every day of my age, and sometimes I feel more like a 70-year-old.

So what's going on in my world at 30?? I know that someday I'll reminisce about "back when I was 30," so I thought I might just take a few moments to journal about what I'm up to these days.

Well, I guess first and foremost, I'm a mom to two little boys that keep me on my toes. I spend most of my time and energy taking care of them, playing with them, and cleaning up their messes. I spend a lot of my time worrying about whether or not I'm being a good enough mommy or if I'm instilling in them all of the important things that I want to pass on to my children. And last but not least, I spend most of my money buying clothes, toys, and anything else they might need or want. I love being Bryson and Avery's mommy, and despite feeling a little frazzled...well, a lot frazzled sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, I'm expecting a third little bundle of joy in July. This time, we're having a girl, so I'm slowly awakening to the world of all things pink. Some folks might prefer more gender neutral clothing and decor, but I figure I'm finally getting a girl, so I might as well enjoy it!! Especially since according to my husband, the Hoskins family is going to be complete after this baby. One would think that with me being a girl myself and having two sisters this would come easy for me, but honestly, switching gears has been kind of tough. I've always looked longingly at the adorable girls clothing hanging on the racks across the aisle from the boys' department where I hang out. But now that I actually have a reason to shop on that side, I'm having a hard time not getting overwhelmed or wondering what I'll really need. It's kind of like starting all over. I am so excited about meeting our little Emerson Rose.

I feel like over the last few years, I have grown in my Christian walk. Growing older and life in general has led me to depend upon the Lord for strength each day. My greatest desires are to continue to grow and to have the faith that I need to get prayers answered. I want to be an example for my family that they may see Jesus and grow to love him. I hope that this 30th year of my life only brings me closer to God.

I do have a lot of worries and anxieties at this point in my life. I worry about the wrinkles and bags around my eyes, and I find myself investing more money in creams that promise amazing results. I won't even discuss my weight, since it's pretty horrendous how large I am right now. Hopefully, I can work on that after July. I worry about not spending enough time with my husband or being the wife that I should be. I have this mental image of what I should be able to accomplish, how my house should look, and how my cooking should taste, but unfortunately, I fall SO short of these fantastic images. And yes, I already mentioned it, I worry about my kids. I worry about if I'm disciplining them correctly, spending enough quality time with them, teaching them manners, feeding them balanced meals, and making the most of every minute I have with them while they're small. Yes, I know, it sounds like I hold unrealistic expectations for myself or suffer from some obsessive compulsive disorder. Even though I know that sometimes we have to be satisfied with good enough, I can't keep myself from worrying!

One of my biggest concerns at this point in my life is Avery's medical conditions. I can't help but worry about what the future holds for him and us. I just can't imagine life without him, and I'm absolutely not even considering that. I feel so badly that he has to endure so much, and our constant attention to Avery's special needs does add some stress to our family. I try really hard to balance time with Bryson. Yes, Avery's health is a priority, but Phillip and I try to take turns spending the night with Bryson during hospitalizations or taking time away from appointments to have some quality time with him. Right now Avery's condition is more serious than ever and we're waiting on some test results and praying for direction in his treatment. I'm praying that this 30th year brings healing for Avery in any way we can get it.

My personal time is pretty much non-existent, and teaching has taken a back burner to raising my family. I haven't taught at all the last two terms at Sinclair. We are so blessed that Phillip has a job, and I'm able to be a full-time mom.

That's pretty much my life in a nut shell at 30. I'm sure this post will not make anyone envious, but I have to say that I am so happy and blessed (and of course, a little stressed).