My Middle-of-the-Night Prayers and Worries

Well, it's 4:30 a.m., and I should be sleeping. Instead I'm lying here worrying and praying. There are some who say that worry and faith can't co-exist. All I know is that I'm trying so hard to trust right now. But my heart is heavy thinking about my little man lying a few feet away from me. For the last hour or so my prayer has pretty much been something like this: "Lord, get us through this. Please, Lord, just get us through this." It's certainly not an eloquent prayer, just a sincere and desperate plea from a weary Mama.

Between whispered prayers, my mind turns to the question I've asked often...when will it ever end? When can I stop just surviving life and actually start living? When will I be able to look into my three precious kids' faces and just feel happy we're together, not feel the need to cram as much quality time as I can before sending them off again or feel like I'm choosing between who needs me the most at the moment. Sometimes I look at my husband, and even if we're in the same room, I feel so separated, and then the days and nights when we're apart, which is most of the time, I just miss him. Phillip and I have only actually stayed under the same roof 5 or 6 times over the last 10 weeks; Bryson has only seen Avery once in 10 weeks, and my family of five has not been all together at all during this time.

I know I sound so whiny right now. I also know that things will probably seem some better in the morning. But I'm growing impatient with this process and when my mind starts wandering like it has tonight, I feel a little overwhelmed with the journey that lies ahead.

Please pray that the skin biopsy that they're going to do today will give us an idea of what this awful rash is and how to treat it. Please pray that it's not GVH. Also, please pray that Avery will start growing stronger, the fevers will stay away, and that he'll star to eat a little. It would mean so much to start seeing some improvement and be able to have my family together some. I'm so thankful for those of you who pray for us.

--Bethany